July 1999

I kept thinking he would come find me to apologize, but he didn't even lookTime flies. It has been quite awhile since I last wrote. We went to Grand Cayman again, but this time we took a commercial flight, since we had free tickets using airline miles. The fly-in was fun, but is kind of a “been there done that” thing now.

We also went to the Balsams resort in New Hampshire for vacation. We’d been there and done that before as well, but wanted to do it again. It is a major step up from our days of backpacking on the Maine and New Hampshire trails, peeing in the woods, and sleeping in tents. It was still an active trip; we went bike riding, kayaking, swimming, and golfing. The resort is all-inclusive and the food is absolutely incredible, which in retrospect, was both good and bad. Lou has become quite serious about bodybuilding, so meals are not straightforward. He is normally on a strict diet, with precise portions of exact foods. When he started working with his personal trainer, and was given a customized diet, I did immediately start buying the foods on the list and making them for dinner. But I wasn’t measuring out exact amounts for Lou to put on his plate, and I wasn’t preparing other meals in advance for him to have on hand. I assumed the diet plan was a guideline. Guess I figured wrong. Lou was frustrated because he wasn’t getting the results that he wanted, and blamed me for not supporting him. I asked what more he thought I should be doing. So, now I have a food scale, and a shopping list, a ton of plastic containers, a roll of masking tape, and a black magic marker. After work, I cook a fresh dinner, and plate his food measured out to the ounce. After we eat, I’m back in the kitchen to prepare and weigh out his multiple feedings for the next day, stored in containers labeled for each meal. If he’s traveling, I make up as many meals as possible for the week, he takes them with him in a cooler, and books a hotel room with a refrigerator and microwave. Hmmm, if he starts seeing results now, I wonder if I will get the credit like I took the blame? Doubt it. I’m getting used to the routine, but I am getting sick of chicken and broccoli and rice, and spinach though.

Anyway, for the most part, I eat what he eats for dinner, because I don’t want to make different meals. But the Balsams was a vacation, and I did not feel the need to adhere to his diet, even though he was still pretty much living “clean”. Anjelica liked eating with the kid’s camp group, so she was off with them, and Lou and I dined together. I should have joined Anjelica with the kids. Throughout the meal, he kept commenting on what was wrong with what everyone, including myself, was eating, despite that I chose mostly the same things he was having, with some exceptions. God forbid I should put a little butter and sour cream on my baked potato. He’d tell me how he “just can’t” do that any more.

The topper for me was when I got dessert. There was a huge buffet table with tons of decadent, delicious creations, and all I chose was a single brownie. I brought it back to the table, sat down, and took a bite from my fork. Lou pushed his chair back from the table in disgust, spewed out a proclamation that he could not stand to watch me eat that, got up, walked away, and left me sitting alone at our intimate table for two in the middle of the restaurant. I didn’t know what to do. As much as I love brownies, I didn’t want that one any more. My eyes welled up; I looked down in an attempt to hide my face so other people wouldn’t see I was crying as I left the dining room. I went for a walk and found a place to sit alone. I kept thinking he would come find me to apologize, but he didn’t even look. When I found him, the only statement with any resemblance to an apology was, “I’m sorry, but watching you eat that was actually making me sick, so I had to leave the room.”

Bottom line is that I decided that rather than being at odds with him and his diet, I would start working out and dieting seriously on my own as well. I’m not motivated to compete in a body building show like he is, so I’m doing the EAS Body For Life program instead. I also went to see his trainer to get a workout and diet routine for myself, and I’m combining that with the BFL program. I like the BFL plan because you get a “free day” every week, where you can have whatever you want to eat. I just won’t do that in front of Lou.

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