June 1981

dogBruce wanted to treat me to a special night since I’m getting married and moving away soon.  I’m closer to him than even Kathy now, since we spend so much time together at the hotel.  So he picked me up in his car, and we parked, got wasted and listened to music and laughed and talked.  We had such a great time just hanging out together out of uniform for a change.  I over-did it, and ended up getting sick, which was bad, but it wasn’t the worst part of the night.

Even though I was totally wrecked, he didn’t try to take advantage of me, or make a pass or anything. That’s a good thing because I don’t know what I would have done if he did.  If I’m being honest with myself, there’s a part of me that wishes he would. I don’t know if it’s because he is always flirting with every other female on the planet except me, and I feel rejected, or exactly what it is.  But, we are such good and close friends, I’m afraid that anything more would actually ruin the friendship, and I can’t imagine life without him. We are so different, and we only spend time together at work, but I feel closer to him than anyone else I know. It’s like a soul connection or something weird like that. Sometimes, I silently almost will him to kiss me, but he doesn’t. And then later, I’m relieved that it didn’t happen, because that would be like losing something. I am messed up. What am I thinking anyway? I am about to get married, a fact that is not always in my mind. Nothing happened; nothing has ever happened, so it is a pointless thought.

Bruce dropped me off at the fraternity house, where I figured I could spend time with Lou for a while, and sober up before going home. He had not been thrilled about my plans to hang out with Bruce for the evening, but he knew all about it and didn’t ask me not to go or try to stop me. It wasn’t even late when I got to the house. I was queasy and still toasted, baked, fried or whatever you want to call it, and just wanted to chill out and relax. Lou was already pissed when I got there. That’s an understatement. I sat in his Goodwill store armchair and tried to keep the room from spinning me out of it while he kept ranting and raving at me.  Where was I, what was I doing? Who saw me?  That was the biggest issue – who saw me? He drilled me for all the details about what we had done.  I answered all his questions, knowing full well that I hadn’t done anything wrong. He was totally freaking out, literally screaming in my face.  Then he got a look in his eyes that I’ve never seen before, as if he was possessed. He talked through his teeth without opening his mouth, and accused me of f**ing Bruce in the car. I told him we didn’t do anything like that, but he wouldn’t believe me, and suddenly grabbed my legs, yanked them up and apart and stuck his head in my crotch and smelled me like a dog. He kept repeating, “Did you f**k him? Did you? Did You?”  I didn’t know what to do. I was scared, I was mad, and I was hoping not to get sick again. All I could do was try to calm him down. I apologized for doing something that made him so upset, and said I didn’t think it was a problem. I think he finally believed me that nothing had happened, but he was still furious. He knew Bruce and I were close friends, and had these plans, so I don’t know why it went from being OK to suddenly not OK. He mentioned that someone had asked where I was that night, and he lied because he was embarrassed to say. But that’s not my fault. I just wanted to go home and forget about the whole thing.

I never go out with anyone. I only see my friends from school at school, and I usually miss the school and club parties. Work friends are only at work. Kathy is pregnant, and she and Lou hate each other anyway, so it’s not realistic to see her often. This was just about the only time I have gone out on my own, and this is what happens. Oh wait, I lie – Nico’s girlfriend took me out the night of Lou’s bachelor party. We had dinner and a couple drinks in a Church that was converted to a restaurant. I think she just felt bad for me not having a bunch of girlfriends to take me out. Lou had an overnight party at a hotel with a group of his fraternity brothers. The bar at that hotel is known as a major pick up place. Did I freak out?  No. The next morning, I got a call from Nico to apologize and warn me that Lou had a black eye. Apparently, whoever was supposed to watch Lou in the bar dropped the ball and left him alone.  Louie saw this couple making out, and went over to their table and suggested they stop or get a room or something. He wouldn’t let it go, and by Lou’s account, the guy sucker punched him.  Eventually, his friends removed him from the scene and got him back up to the hotel suite.  He still has the shiner. I just laughed at the situation and said I was glad he had a good time. And he is yelling at me?  I didn’t do a thing.  Maybe I should have.

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