June 1996

"I think I am saving myself from what could be more devastating suffering"

“I think I am saving myself from what could be more devastating suffering”

I finally had my gallbladder removed. I had to convince another doctor I was willing to take the risk that taking it out may not be the solution, but in the end, he agreed with the diagnosis and decision to operate. Good news is there has been no pain since that thing came out of my body, and the post-surgery biopsy proved the organ was defective. So, I was right after all. My friend from work, Sandy and her husband Rob, took care of Anjelica while I was in the hospital. Lou had to speak at an APICS dinner meeting in New York, so he couldn’t even be with me for the surgery, let alone take care of Anjelica. I guess he didn’t miss much, besides looking at me sleeping it off.

I know there was nothing for him to do, but it is unsettling to go into surgery by yourself, and knowing nobody is waiting for you to come out and be with you afterward to make sure you are ok, to get you a ginger ale, to make sure you are comfortable and that your nurse brings meds when you have pain. Then again, I didn’t ask him to change his plans to stay with me, either. Is it a passive aggressive action on my part to not ask for something and then feel bad that it didn’t happen? Does it even count if I never let the other person know that it upset me? Perhaps acting like its all ok and not making any sarcastic or guilt tripping comments makes me more of a resentful martyr. I don’t think that qualifies as a virtue in anyone’s book. It just seems pointless to ask someone to do something that you think they would offer to do out of love. If they refuse, or do it begrudgingly then it feels worse; so I would rather have never asked. This way, that leaves open the possibility that if only they had understood what was wanted, they would have gladly granted the request, making it my own fault for not having asked in the first place. That alternative just seems less painful; I’m not trying to martyr myself, I think I am saving myself from what could cause more devastating suffering. So perhaps that classifies me as a risk-averse chicken shit.

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