November 1979

A+

A+

 

I am so freaking upset I can’t think straight. I walked home all the way from Union; with every step I took, I was cursing and screaming louder and louder in my head.

Lou and I were having sex, and it started like any other time we’ve been together the past few weeks. But this time, it was like I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how to describe it, but he wasn’t talking to me, or kissing me, or being gentle. He finished then just kind of rolled away separate from me.  No hugging, no cuddling.  He didn’t even bother to ask if I was done. It was all pretty much abrupt and cold. I turned over on my side away from him and didn’t say a word.  I felt childish, because the tears just welled up in my eyes.  I didn’t know if I’d done something wrong.  We hadn’t been fighting, and I didn’t understand why I was feeling as I was. He heard me sniff, and caught me wiping a tear away, and asked what my problem was.

I told him that for some reason it felt really different to me; he seemed distant and I was feeling really alone even though he was right there.  I asked if he was mad at me. He kind of smirked, and said, “So you can tell the difference.” I asked what he meant, and he said that it was a test to see if I’d even notice. He wanted to see what my reaction would be to cold sex to see if I was just f*ng him or if I really cared about him. I was floored. A test. What nerve to screw with me like that.  He obviously thinks he won something; he was happy that he proved I really do care. He proved what a total ass he is to me.

I couldn’t get dressed and out of there fast enough. He kept following me around as I got my stuff and left. He was trying to tell me what a good thing it was, because now he knew that I cared. I told him I didn’t want to see him again, and to get away from me.  When I got outside to the stairs down to the parking lot, he grabbed my arms to stop me from leaving; I think I could have killed him with my look alone.  I shook him off and screamed, “Get your hands off me!”  He got all indignant like I had insulted him, and put his hands up in the air and said he didn’t touch me. It’s not like he hurt me, but to physically hold me back when I was trying to leave is just as bad. He did let go, and I took off. He didn’t follow me; I think he was mad because I yelled when he grabbed my arms.

A test. I told him not to get serious with me. If he felt I wasn’t committed enough, then he should have just talked about it or stopped seeing me. A test. Who does he think he is? I wasn’t dating anyone else, and I saw him all the time. He really thought it was ok to test my feelings?  That way? Funny thing is that I think I was finally starting to fall in love with him. Not anymore. I’ve been saved that pain. Messed up as Gino was, I don’t think even he would have done something like this.   You don’t tamper with someone’s emotions like that with sex.  All done. I am better off alone.

 

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