October 1993

if I tell him how I really feelI got a clean bill of health from the doctor, and was back at work in six weeks. It was hard to leave Anjelica at home, but Astrid has been great, and she and I were both at home while I was on medical leave. Astrid was mostly doing office work, but I really tried to give her a lot of time with the baby while I was there, so I could get a feel for how she was with her, and she is awesome, so I really don’t have to worry. I started giving baby formula part of the time, as well as breastfeeding. Anjelica doesn’t seem to care one way or the other; she just loves to eat. Lou can even feed her now, which is great, because he feels like there isn’t much for dads to do with a little baby. Our first big night out after Anjelica started the bottle; we went to Atlantic City, and Astrid stayed with her for a few hours. I didn’t anticipate that my boobs would just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It was entertaining at first because men kept staring at them, and I’ve never had anyone even look twice at my chest. But after a while, they started to hurt. Then they started to leak. On the whole ride back, I tried to express milk into a t-shirt that was in the car, but it wasn’t working at all. I woke the baby up to eat as soon as I got home. She’s woken me up enough times when she wanted to eat, so I didn’t feel too guilty about it. God my boobs hurt.

Speaking of boobs, the doctor also said it was ok to have sex again. Lou’s been surprised to see that I’ve already lost so much weight. I still feel heavy, but I think the breastfeeding really helps a lot with burning calories and dropping the pounds. I think the big boobs make me look a little thinner below too. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was not happy when he pulled out our new video camera the first time we were having sex. Looking at the video later, though, I was surprised at how much thinner I am already. I still wish there was no camera. Between the video playing on the TV and the camera recording us, there just is too much technology involved, and it’s a major production. Not exactly my idea of romance. We still do date nights every so often, which is really nice. I dress up, make a nice dinner, and we’ll have a bottle of wine, and sit and talk. But in the end, the TV gets turned on for X-rated videos to accompany sex. If we are someplace without movies, then he’ll talk about fantasy sex in scenarios like you’d see in a movie – with multiple guys having their way with me and stuff. He wants me to go along with it, but it really doesn’t do anything for me, and I really don’t want to make it sound like I would like it, because I’m afraid he’d actually want me to do it. So I stay quiet. Sometimes he’ll press me about it, and if I tell him how I really feel, he gets upset with me for not going along with the fantasy. But I know how he is, so I don’t want to encourage him. I really can’t win one way or the other, so my best bet is to say nothing at all.

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