Since our car repo days, Lou has called me “Joey Detective” whenever I figured stuff out. So, it shouldn’t surprise him if he ever discovers that I put some software on his PC that lets me see everything he does on the computer. It sends me an e-mail with a copy of all the e-mails that he sends and reads. And it sends me all the websites he visits, all the programs he opens, and all the keystrokes he types. When my mom was ga-ga in love with her new boyfriend and over-sharing with us last summer, we kept telling her, “TMI”. I think I’m getting too much information now.

I can see that he didn’t end things with Tanya when he told me he did. But on the flip side, it looks like he was getting too demanding, and so she is not giving him the time and attention he wants now. It looks like she stood him up more than once, so he’s back shopping at Love @ AOL. One thing I’ve learned is that he’s somewhat honest, and actually describes himself as an unhappy, married man. I don’t know if he’s always been candid about his marital status.

I know when I was with Bruce and Alan, they were close friends, and certainly knew I was married. But I didn’t ever talk about whether or not I was happy. I don’t think either one of them ever considered the fact that I actually loved them and wanted to be with them, or that I might have been miserable, and hoping for salvation from a very big mistake. I can’t say that I’d go back and change a single thing now, though, because to change one thing is to change everything, which would take Anjelica from my life. I would go through fire for her.

So, was this all meant to be? All the mistakes, the missed opportunities, the roads taken and those by-passed? All the choices I have made brought me to this point in life. Is it all exactly how it is meant to be? I look at my daughter, and say yes. I look at my husband, and ask why? I look in the mirror, and wonder what is next. I can see now that it has always been my decisions all along the way. Lou is strong and powerful and controlling. But I did choose him, and I chose to stay with him all these years. I chose to be passive, and to serve his needs first. What I am finally starting to see is that I can still make choices, and I am still in control of where my life goes from here. I haven’t given up on my marriage yet, but I have given up on thinking I have no choices. I’m working to get healthy and strong now, and I intend to gain back the control of my own life that I relinquished so long ago.

One decision we do agree on, which surprises me, is that now that we live on a large property, we will get a couple of dogs. Anjelica has been asking a long time for a pet. We do have Zazu, but the bird doesn’t even like her, so that doesn’t count. I am so happy we’re going to do this. I wanted a dog growing up too but was always denied. Lou holds that it is disgusting to have pets inside, and insists on outdoor dogs. I don’t share that opinion, but as long as we choose a breed that enjoys the outdoors and have two best friend dogs with comfortable shelter and freedom to safely roam the property with electric fencing, then I can be ok with the concept. So, we’re doing research on breeds. My jaw dropped when Anjelica recently asked me if I thought Phoenix would make a good name for a dog. She has never heard me have a conversation with Bruce about anything, never mind my given Phoenix moniker. I couldn’t even answer her at first, so she kept repeating the question. I finally said it was cool. Kind of cool… kind of freaky.