We’ve been house hunting several times, but every single house we look at has some issue that makes it unacceptable to Lou. He actually rejected a brand-new house because there was a dead tree by the street in front of the house. His logic was that if the seller would be willing to leave something as deplorable as a dead tree visible, then one could only imagine what other heinous hidden secrets await the clueless, unsuspecting buyer. Some houses are too close to neighbors. Some are too close to the road. Some are not nice enough for the neighborhood. Some are too nice for the neighborhood. The new houses are junk because they are made out of crap materials. The older homes are out of date, and need too much work to fix them up, and who knows what multitude of unseen problems exist. The facts of whether or not the kitchen cabinet drawers are dovetailed, as well as the brand name of the furnace and windows are used as a touchstone to judge the quality of the entire house. On top of all that, he requires a large lot, such that the house that is not near any other house, and that the property is within an easy drive to an airport with available, affordable private hangars for rent. The consideration for how convenient it is for me to get to work and to Anjelica’s new school does not rank high on the list. He argues that this is huge change and investment, and that we should be able to get exactly what we want and not have to compromise. Anjelica can even recognize how absurd it has become. After taking a house tour, she asked, “Ok, Dad, what’s wrong with this one?” We all laughed, but it really wasn’t funny. I was also anticipating hearing why the house sucked. And of course, it sucked.

I understand his position about wanting to get what we want, but I don’t know if anything exists that meets all his criteria. We’ve come close and have even made an offer. But he made an extreme lowball offer, and even when the owner came down in price quite a lot, Lou wouldn’t come up at all to meet them part way.

We only get little snippets of time to house hunt, because of his west coast clients. He hasn’t even come home every weekend. One time, he just decided to stay and take a side trip to The Venetian in Las Vegas for the weekend. Am I seriously expected to believe he went alone? I’ve caught him chatting online a few times with a woman in California, and I’ve seen her picture on his computer and read some of their emails. I don’t know if that’s who he went to Vegas with or not, but I do know they are hooking up.

I thought we were working toward a fresh start, but I just don’t know if the same issues are going to follow us everywhere. He gets plenty of sex from me, and I never say no to anything he wants. I’m doing my best to compete for his attention. Am I really all that difficult to settle for? I think many men would be happy to have me as their wife and sex partner. I think I should be enough, but apparently, I’m not. Honestly, I’m coming to the conclusion that he’s not enough for me either. I think a lot about my feelings of having missed opportunities with both Alan and Bruce, although they are quite different relationships. By the time Bruce and I admitted we had strong feelings for each other, we had been close friends for a couple years, and I had already married and moved away.  After that, we were only together a couple times before he was in a serious relationship, then engaged and married. Once he had the chance for love and a committed relationship with someone else, I would not interfere in any way, and just backed off completely. I feel like I would be poison to him, so he’s been off-limits to me for anything more than my most treasured friendship for a long time. Despite the fact that he is happily married, Bruce and I share a much deeper, closer soul connection and bond than Alan and I developed. Alan’s intimate relationship was taken away so abruptly that I turned him into my fantasy perfect partner when he was single. As if somehow, some day, he would realize he wanted me as much as I wanted to be with him, and we would live a blissful, happy life together. Logically, I know that’s not a reality, even if he did actually want to be with me. And clearly, he doesn’t. I also understand him well enough to know that we would drive each other crazy. Same thing is probably true with Bruce and me, although I will never know. The fantasy life is just that, a fantasy. But it is a nice place to escape for a visit. The reality is that they are both incredibly dear friends to me, and I am fortunate to have them in my life in any capacity. I just have to accept that it can’t be more, and that nobody is ever going to save me from myself.

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