Despite my complaints, Lou insists on maintaining his relationship with Tanya. She comes up to visit all the time. He goes with her to the gym, out for tea, or to the library to study. Who goes out for tea? She insists only on hot tea from Dunkin Donuts. In fact, at home, she makes her husband go out and get it for her. Boil damn some water.

Lou actually makes me leave the townhouse with Anjelica to have time alone with Tanya. When I argue that I don’t like him flaunting a girlfriend in my face, he becomes enraged. He says that I keep setting him up, and that now he’s too deep in the relationship to just be friends. In addition to sex, he needs to go out and do things with her. It seems quite obvious that he is in love, and that they are having a romance. I’m actually expected to leave my house so he can make love to her all day. She’s sneaking around on her husband now, lying about where she is and what she’s doing. I guess the open marriage thing is not bullet proof.

I try to say this simply isn’t right, and that it hurts to my core. He just turns it around, claiming that I keep flip flopping, saying it is ok and then complaining. Yes, I give in. Yes, I give up. No, I do not ever say it is ok. Never. When he’s pounding his fist on the table and literally screaming at me, I can’t fight back. He tells me she is the only thing in his life that makes him happy, and that I want him to be miserable, which is why I’m trying to take it away. I say that I want him to be happy, but not at my expense. We have this same argument over and over again. Perhaps he is right when he says that I flip flop. I flip out when I think about what he is doing and want to scream for him to stop. I don’t scream though, I reason, I plead, I cry. Then when he does scream, I flop. I give in. I give up. And this goes on time and time again.

For Valentine’s Day, he gave me an LLadro angel figurine to add to my angel collection. It was beautiful, and I loved it. Then, later I was cleaning, picked his crumpled pants off the floor, and as usual, emptied the pockets before putting the jeans in the laundry basket. In his pocket were two receipts: one for the LLadro, and one for what appeared to be a diamond heart necklace. Neither Anjelica nor I received any jewelry. I asked him about it later, and he was pissed that I was snooping. Sorry, but in this case, anyway I was not snooping. I was picking up after his mess. He said I should have known he would buy her a Valentine’s gift, and what did I expect? He said I was just pissed because the necklace cost more than what he gave me, and how dare I put a value on the Angel that represented our daughter. I don’t know why I bothered confronting him. What bothers me the most is that he makes absolutely no attempt to be discrete. He could care less about what I know or how I feel about it all. What I do not know is whether he does it with the intent to make sure I know, or if he just doesn’t care that I know. For years, he denied what I knew to be true, and now he just denies that I have any right to object to it. We fight about it. I get bullied into giving up, and then he goes on like nothing was wrong, and pretends I am totally fine with it all.
It just keeps getting worse. Now he wants Tanya to leave her husband, although he has not been successful in getting her to commit to do this. He has talked about it time and time again as if she is in an abusive situation and we are to save her. His plan is for her to move in while we help her go back to school. In this insane dream of his, she is like his second wife, but with me having some sort of seniority role. Yet, she really doesn’t cook or clean or anything, so I’d probably be doing all the housework. While they go to the gym, hang out, have sex, and play?

To cover so Anjelica won’t see, he wants to build a secret passageway door between the guest room and the adjoining main bedroom so she can slip in that way. I imagine I’m to stay out of the way elsewhere. He told me Tanya doesn’t like the idea of being second fiddle though. Oh, how my heart goes out to her. Imagine how that would feel. The worst thing though, is that he actually coerced me to tell her that I thought she should leave her husband and welcome her to live with us. I did talk to her. I said she should do what she feels is right for her, and that if she were ever in danger, we would help her. I stopped short of offering her to move in, but said enough to tell Lou I reached out. I did not invite her to replace me in our bed and have me wait on them hand and foot.

I don’t think she has any intention of leaving her husband for Lou, who for some reason intends to stay married to me. I’m at the point where I would gladly step aside and let him have her as his wife. I don’t need this. If she left her husband, I could use that as my opportunity to get divorced. I think if she commits to him, then he really won’t care if I go. As long as we have joint custody of Anjelica, and he keeps the house, I think it would actually work out fine. That is my insane dream.

Lou’s absolutely correct. I do flip flop.

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