My parents are asleep and have no idea I’ve been out so late or where I’ve been. Thank God I have my own cabin on this cruise ship, otherwise, my father would be so pissed. I just have to tell someone about the night, but there’s nobody I know well enough here to talk to, no phone for me to call anyone, no friend’s house to run to across the street. Despite all the people here onboard the M/S Kazakhstan, I’m pretty much alone out here in the middle of the ocean. I need someone to talk to and this paper is all there is for me.

I did “it” tonight. I lost my virginity to a passenger named Peter. He’s just a passenger and will be off the ship in a few days anyhow. Then there will be another mass of new people coming onboard. I don’t even like Peter all that much. More than anything, I was really mad. Not at him, but at John, who works on staff with me. I thought we had become such good friends on the first two-week cruise of the season, hanging out, laughing, and talking for hours. Then this cruise, a group of college students got on, and suddenly John has no interest in spending time with me. It’s like I’m his little sister or something and he can’t be bothered with me now that there are older girls around. But why should he bother with a 15-year-old anyway? I can’t compete with them. Peter is 18 and isn’t really much younger than John, but he certainly didn’t think I was too young. He says he loves me. I seriously doubt it. I didn’t think I needed to say it back. He didn’t need to say it at all. I just wanted to hang out with him and his friends and let John see that I don’t need him to have a good time. And then John has the nerve to tell me to be careful. As if he gives a crap.

Peter and I went for a walk out on deck, and it really was a picture-perfect scene. The moon was bright and lit a long path across the dark water from the edge of the horizon to our spot by the railing where we stopped for my first real kiss. It was warm, the sea was calm, and a light breeze blew the skirt of my strapless black dress, forming gentle waves at my knees. He asked if we could go to his cabin where it would be more private. There was no place to sit, so we laid on the bottom bunk, which felt like a coffin; the twin sized bed closed in on three sides and above. So, there wasn’t much room to move. We made out for a while; I think he grew 10 hands, and there were no straps to hold up my top. I didn’t care. But I really didn’t get that feeling, the one I’ve had when a guy accidentally brushed my arm, or my back and it sent a rush of a tingle right through my whole body. That had happened to me with John last week. It happened with a guy on staff I worked with on another ship with a couple years ago. Neither one was trying to make a move, they just happened to touch me, and my body reacted like it had a mind of its own.

So, anyway, Peter was amusing himself with my body parts, and he’s suddenly on top of me, asking, “Can I?” It’s not like I have been saving it for anything or anyone special. He had a condom in the drawer next to the bed, so I guess if it wasn’t me it was going to be someone else. He pressed against me; I raised my arms and grabbed on tight to the headboard because it wasn’t going in easy. Nothing hurt like I thought it might, but it certainly didn’t feel great. I guess I should’ve been more into it, but what kept going through my head was the song, “Is That All There Is?”  Maybe I’m missing something. Anyway, he’ll be gone in a couple of days and that will be that.

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