I feel like such an adult now. We actually have an official will. The last one was written up quickly and witnessed by some strangers at an airport bar while we were getting ready to fly for the first time without Anjelica. This one was actually crafted and notarized by lawyers. In general, we agreed on most everything. One of the biggest decisions was who should have guardianship of Anjelica if we both die. We changed it from being Nico and Mia to Rob and Sandy, because she knows them much better from all the time together in Delaware. We know that Nico and Mia would continue to be a part of her life regardless of guardianship. Rob and Sandy don’t have kids yet, and we know they would absolutely be the best parents a child could ask for. Anjelica would be well loved and cared for in either case. She won’t be rich, though. Not until she’s much older, anyway. Lou was pretty adamant that with the exception of basic living expenses and education, she would not have access to her inheritance until she was 30. I’d like to think that we raised a child who had enough sense to manage money before then. He doesn’t want her to blow it, but more importantly, he wants her to be self-reliant before she gets the money, so she appreciates what it means to have it. We don’t always agree on these types of issues. There have been times when he’s wanted to take things away from her or deny her things that we would normally allow, just for the sake of teaching her to deal with the disappointment. Personally, I think enough disappointments come naturally in life, and there is no need to fabricate any.

We have different styles. Anjelica came down the stairs one day recently and very rudely spouted out a demand to me for something that should have been a request. I think she wanted to go somewhere or do something. It was very unlike her normal manners. I didn’t reply to the statement, but just calmly said, “Whoa whoa whoa, what was that? Is that how you ask for something? Go back upstairs and try that again.” Lou stopped her from going back up, and said, “No, there are no do-overs in life.” Is that true? I think that when I’m lucky enough to have a second chance, I learn from the experience.

If I felt I lived in a world where if I screw up, and never get an opportunity to redeem myself, I would be paralyzed with fear of doing anything in case it was a mistake. Actually, I kind of do know what that feels like. Sometimes I can’t make the simplest choices when I know Lou will have an opinion, and I don’t know for sure what his view will be. I am just sure that whatever I choose will be wrong. I can plow through all the details with him about some event I’ve planned for us, and yet when we get there, I have invariably missed or chosen something that turns out to be a major disappointment.

I’m not stupid. I know this to be a fact. I do quite well at work, and I did quite well at school. Why can’t I do quite well at home? I am not stupid.