Diet Tips (published November 7, 1984)

When I decide to diet
I choose a day on which to start
And on the eve of that day
I indulge myself in what I can’t have anymore
I like to get a sundae
With the richest chocolate ice cream
Smothered with hot fudge and whipped cream
And of course, topped with nuts and a cherry
A lot of time goes into deciding
What will go in my sundae
And I spend a long, long time
Just thinking about how good it will be

On the eve of the day of my diet
I go to my favorite ice cream parlor
It’s got old-fashioned chairs
And tiffany lamps — just the perfect setting
The waitress brings my sundae to me
And it’s a work of art
And I think to myself
This is the most wonderful sundae in the world
The first thing I do is to take off the cherry
And I lick all the whipped cream off of it
And then I put the cherry aside
(I always save the best part for last)
Then, I take a little taste of everything
A nibble of ice cream
A bit of hot fudge
And dab of whipped cream and nuts

I slowly eat my sundae
Savoring every spoonful
Letting the ice cream melt in my mouth
As it rolls across my tongue
I know this is my last sundae
So I don’t want it to end
But the ice cream melts in the bowl
As it mixes with the hot fudge and the whipped cream
All too soon I’ve eaten it all
So I pop the cherry into my mouth
And pull it from its stem
And my sundae is done
I know there will be no more sundaes for me
But whenever I hunger for one
I just remember how good that last one was
And I’m ok without it

I wish there’d been an eve of the day
Starting my diet of life without you
To indulge myself
In what I can’t have anymore
But then, I didn’t decide to diet
And I didn’t choose a day on which to start
Maybe if I had, it would be easier now
And I wouldn’t feel so deprived
I know there’ll be no more you for me
But whenever I hunger for your touch
I imagine how good that last time would’ve been
And I’m still not ok without you

Lunch Time (published December 5, 1984)

A stranger kept my house while I was gone
Not exactly a stranger
But a sometimes acquaintance
Who happened by one day
I was relieved to see her
For I was tired and needed a break
She was there to take over
And in a snap she had control
She lived her life in extremes
Bathing in water always too hot or too cold
Surviving on Virginia Slims and coffee
Never sleeping, forever thinking

She thought of nothing but herself
Only because she believed someone had to
My house was neglected
My belongings scattered around indifferently
I returned to find my house a mess
And my favorite treasure shattered
There is much work to be done
But first I must find some glue

Angel of Misery (published April 3, 1985)

You couldn’t guess from that innocent smile
That’s she’d ever do the things she’s done all the while
If you knew you wouldn’t want her at all
But she couldn’t be bad, ‘cause, God, she’s so good

A fire is raging down deep in her soul
Look closely now, and see she has no control
You’ll wonder what’s happening inside of her head
You’ll know she is bad, and you’ll wish she were good

Just when you think you’ve got her all figured out
The tables will turn and you’ll soon start to doubt
Her actions say that she’s changing her ways
She’s not so bad, now she seems to be good

She’ll keep on pretending there’s nothing to hide
But you will know better once you’ve heard how she’s lied
A selfish child when she don’t get her way
She’s really all bad, and she ain’t any good.

She’ll wait till your close, then she’ll swallow you whole
And if you’re not careful, you’ll lose self control
You best get out quick, before it’s too late
She’ll make you bad, ‘cause she’s so goddamned good.