I’ve finally reached the end of my tolerance level. I took the psychiatrist’s advice to see a lawyer and used the employee assistance program at work to get a free consultation.

I told the lawyer that even though I knew he had affairs before and was doing it again, I wanted to divorce under simple terms of irreconcilable differences. Lou always denied infidelity in the past, and I assume he would deny it now. The lawyer advised that I get proof, even if I never plan to use it. He suggested I hire a private investigator to document indisputable evidence. He also told me to stop having sex with Lou. Shocked at this suggestion, I shook my head and stated that was not possible. He was flabbergasted and asked why not. I answered that he didn’t know my husband. He said to just be mad and not have sex. Lou would lose it on me. I can’t remember a single time in our twenty years of marriage that I ever said no to sex with him, and I don’t want to find out what would happen.

The affairs do suck, but I want to divorce because of how unreasonable, difficult and controlling he is and how miserable my life has been and continues to be. Even after all the begging I did for him to stop with Tanya, the effect on my health, and our supposed re-commitment to our marriage, he started a brand-new full-blown relationship in PA. I can read in my secret spy email snooping reports that Lou has a new love at one of his client sites. The relationship aspect bugs me more than getting laid by some random woman he picks up in a hotel lobby bar. He’s connecting and sharing with her at a deep level. And he’s bitching about me. I actually hope he’s happy. If he’s happy then he shouldn’t have a problem going along with a divorce.

I have instructions to fill out the paperwork to file for divorce, to hire a private eye, and to not have sex with my husband. Two out of three ain’t bad, anyway.

I located a private investigator, but the problem was paying for it. I called my mom and confided what is going on. I hated to bring it up, but when my dad died, I loaned her money for the headstone, and she never paid me back. I got a PO Box in my name alone, opened a bank account in my name alone using my new PO Box, and deposited my mom’s check. I took out cash and used Western Union to wire money to the private investigator to put him on my case.

With Lou’s PC bugged, I knew a lot about their plans, so I could tell the investigator exactly where to be and when. His first night on the case also happened to be our 20-year wedding anniversary.

Lou asked that we meet for a quick dinner at The Ground Round on my way home from work near the Nashua airport where the plane is now hangared. This was on par with the quality of our 19th anniversary dinner at the Weathervane. I arrived first and waited at our table quite a long time for him to arrive with Anjelica. He had a bunch of flowers in hand, and I noted from the tag they were the $9.99 special from the shop just up the road. He sat down on the bench seat across the booth from me, passed the bouquet over, and leaned forward with puckered lips. I hit my head on the hanging lamp as I rose from my seat to reach his lips, which were stationed far past the half-way point on the table on his side. We are long past the chivalrous days when he would have greeted me with a hug and kiss on my side before sitting.

We ordered our meals, then raised our water glasses for a toast. Lou said, “To our anniversary!” I said, “To our 20th anniversary!” Anjelica said, “To your last anniversary!” Lou and I looked at each other and at back her. I asked, “To our last anniversary?” Anjelica enthusiastically chirped, “Yup! It’s your last one!” In a very calm, amused, but curious tone, Lou asked, “Where will I be?” Anjelica answered just as calmly and in a matter-of-fact way, “I don’t know. On a long business trip, maybe?” The waitress interrupted with our salads, and the whole topic was dropped. As it is written, “out of the mouths of babes…” But holy sh*t, that was both awkward and accurately prophetic given I had just seen a divorce attorney and hired a private investigator to document Lou’s latest affair for evidence.

After dinner, Anjelica and I headed home in my car, he took off in the plane, and I did my other new spying trick. I know his cell phone is off while he’s in the air, so I call, knowing it will go straight to voicemail and I can check for new or saved messages of interest. I’ve also perfected that move with his phone on. I call from our home phone, and while it rings, I hit send to call from my cell phone, which goes right to voicemail. He’s very sentimental and likes to save messages from his girlfriend. He’s also very lazy about changing his password. It was almost too easy.

He was to pick her up in Baltimore and fly her back to PA in our airplane. Our airplane, which was purchased with money I won from the personal injury lawsuit for my pain and suffering. That really, really pisses me off.

I knew the times and places they planned to meet. When Lou called saying he was in his hotel room and going to bed early, I knew he was lying. I heard an echo and could tell he was calling me from the airport men’s room. I said the connection sounded really odd, like he was in a bathroom or something. He said the phone’s been weird lately. I have to admit I was having a bit of fun messing with his head. I wished him a happy anniversary and said goodnight.

When Lou and his girlfriend arrived in PA, the private investigator was waiting with notepad and video camera in hand. Around 3am, the PI called to say they had landed, that she was carrying flowers, and that they had embraced before driving to Lou’s hotel. They sat in the parking lot for a while, without getting out of the car then drove off. He followed them onto I-81, but Lou suddenly took an exit, crossed back to the on-ramp of the highway, pulled to the shoulder of the ramp, and turned off the headlights. The investigator thought that Lou suspected he was being followed, so he drove past, and called me for instructions. I told him to just go back to the hotel and see what happens. I paced the second-floor balcony, petrified of the consequences of being found out. Lou returned to the hotel alone at 4:18am. They discussed details of their adulterous rendezvous through her work e-mail, so he may have been paranoid and sensed they were being followed and pulled over. Lou called in the morning sounding normal. I had not slept at all.

I’ve been giving him what is probably the best sex of our lives recently. I’m not letting him have the excuse that he’s not getting laid at home. Let’s raise a glass and celebrate our last anniversary.